Paradiso Perduto

'Twas a car ride at night and old tunes from a band.  Looking out, raindrops raced on the window glass. Houses passed, red bricks and orange lights. Messages sent to radios, probably were never heard. And I dreamt of becoming, but never being. 'Twas a lazy afternoon and indescribable longing. A poem hastily scribed, of a girl  peeking from behind the curtain.  There you were, a boy of pale face, of mismatched socks, of silly attire. For a while you lived there, a fixture of short future. And I dreamt of becoming, but never being. You are a thousand things that were and never were :  The smell of bookstores, Murakami on the shelves, Spanish Romance from a music box, withered messages in a bottle, a smiling face on the screen, unfinished poetry written on tattered pages. Still I only dreamt of becoming, and never being. Bandung, 15 April 2020 Vera F. Maharani

Greetings, random lurkers  of the dark alleys of internet, it is nice to see you again. I hope you are not waiting everyday for my post, because I have been cheating on this challenge by not posting in consecutive days. But trust me, I have prepared this post for quite some time.  So let's just forget my inconsistency, and on to the part 2, shall we? Credit : This post was written (and posted) after urging from Aulia Dewantari. Go check her entries here .  For the first part of my post, click here . 6.Germany win in a major competition Actually it doesn't have to be major competition. My mood escalates drastically every time the German national football team win a match, no matter how trivial that match is. You can imagine how ecstatic I was when Germany won the 2014 World Cup. One of the major reasons why I think 2014 is among the best year of my life so far. Some of you might think, why Germany? That, my friend, is a hard question. You might need to...

Greetings, random lurker of the dark alleys of world wide web, I welcome thee. I was tempted to revive this dormant blog after I read my friend Aulia ' s challenge post. If you happen to be (somehow) enlightened/entertained/experience any kind of positive influence from this post, please go check her post here and thank her. Considering so many negative things happen -globally, locally, and personally-  it is necessary to remember things that makes me happy. But, good gracious, who would think that it would be so hard? Well, for me, at least. Of course, there are a lot of things/moments that induced some sort of positive affect within me, but was that really happiness? Did I genuinely feel it or did I just trick myself into feeling it because I think I should? Was it counted as happiness only if I am aware of it when it happened, or is it okay if I realized it in retrospect? What is happiness, really? Well, I decided not to overthink it further and just wrote down thi...

So, Sebuah Novel Yang Belum Selesai is now live on Wattpad. Yeah, saya tahu. " KOK GITU SIH VER? FICTIONPRESS APA KABAR? JADI GAK AKAN DIPAKE LAGI AKUN FICTIONPRESSNYA? " Belum ada yang nanya kayak gitu sih, tapi kebayang aja kalau para pembaca di fictionpress pada tahu soal ini, akan muncul pertanyaan yang senada. Karena saya orangnya penuh persiapan (?), saya udah bikin jawaban sebelum ada yang bertanya. Jawabannya adalah : Nggak juga. Saya bakal terus nulis di fictionpress. Fictionpress adalah tempat "publikasi" pertama saya, dan saya sudah kadung sayang. Iya, saya orangnya emang baperan. Fictionpress masih jadi tempat yang paling oke untuk dapat feedback. Memang pembaca Indonesia rada sepi, tapi alhamdulillah saya sering banget dapat review. Dan reviewnya juga mendalam.  I love short reviews, but I love longer, thoughtful ones even more. Walaupun saya masih rada kurang tanggap membalas review, pembaca-pembaca baik terus aja ada. Dan lumayan banyak pe...

There are times when I felt so worthless. I could not get anything right. Life was one wrong decision after another. There are times when I wished I could just shrink shrink shrink and then vanish, as if I was never here before. People might hate me. I didn't blame them; I hated myself too. People didn't want to be approached by me, and that's fine, I couldn't stand being me, too.  Then my supervisor drove me home because apparently I look like someone who would break down with an ugly, inconsolable cry in the middle of traffic jam. Then I realized that I haven't eaten anything but my grandma prepared my favorite food for dinner. Then I texted random message to my best friend way past after her sleeping time, and she unexpectedly replied. Then I was told that people miss me -me!- and they might sent me messages but I was unable to read it because my silly phone was broken. Then I read nice things people posted on internet and I thought it would be nice if...

I used to be that girl who does not care much about skin care. I consider myself quite blessed with (most of the time) acne-free face and no major skin complain. Of course my skin is not of the brightest kind, and it can get slightly oily at times, but hey...I don't really care. I committed all kind of skin sins in the past. I slept late. I drank less than 8 glass of water every day... heck, it's a miracle if I even reached 4 glass (should have known better since I had kidney problems as a child). I gobbled all kind of sweets and cakes, and left my veggies untouched. I used my daily face wash in the morning and that's about it. I only used moisturizer when I remember to...which means very very seldom. And sunscreen…what sunscreen? When I had sleepovers with my friends, I watched in awe as they diligently dabbed and rubbed their skincare products before sleep (and more in annoyance when their prepping up took sooo much time in the morning). I thought, I could never do t...

Truth spoken in whispers will tell you apart No matter how hard you resist it It never rains when you want it to You humble me, Lord You humble me, Lord I am on my knees, empty You humble me (Humble Me –Norah Jones) source : here   Tahun 2015 yang diawali dengan ekspektasi tinggi berlalu setengah juga akhirnya. Kalau tahun 2014 buat saya adalah tahunnya pencapaian dan pengalaman baru, saya menentukan tema tahun ini adalah tahun mimpi besar. Sesuai dengan namanya, ini tahun di mana saya akhirnya berani mengambil langkah menuju mimpi-mimpi besar saya, termasuk ambil master program. Terutama ambil master program. Preferably abroad, learning things I really love, like something related to neuropsychology. More preferably in Germany, thank you very much. Setelah setengah tahun berlalu, saya rasa Tuhan memilihkan tema yang lebih cocok buat saya : penerimaan dan mencari hikmah. Banyak banget humbling experience yang saya dapat dalam setengah tahun terakhir ini. Mulai da...

Yep. (In case you are wondering, I am back on fictionpress too) By now, most of you will have realized that I am prone to long and unannounced hiatus. Sorry, my blog reader, if you are still there (or if you do exist at all). Between work and preparing for master courses and random projects and pure laziness I did not have that much time to write. When I did have, insecurities attacked and everything was kept in a state of rewriting ad infinitum. While I was on hiatus, I had a little chat with my boss on a return work trip from Jakarta. He just recently found out that I aspired to be an author, and he asked, "Why do you write?" I forgot what exactly my answer was, but I remembered that I was a little flabbergasted at the time. Perhaps I mentioned something about how nice it felt to be acknowledged as "the writer" on my circle of friends and to have a few people referring to themselves as "Vera's fans" after posting several stories on intern...

I am looking at you, future. And you, future husband. LOL. Hahahaha (Percakapan Vera dan Ditta melalui LINE) Ditta (D) : Eh, sekarang teh kerja dmn? Vera (V): Health Research Unit FK D: udah tetap itu teh? V: Kontrak setaun sambil mikir mau ngambil master apa D: Woorgh D: Ke sini [Jerman] ver  V: Aamiin dit D: Sikasik V : terlalu banyak yg dipengenin euy dit lieur D : pengen naon wae emang? V : [menyebutkan daftar panjang studi bidang studi S2 yang diinginkan] D: Neuro yuk V: Pengen sih dit...haha D: Urang jg semester depan kayanya mau mulai cari penelitian disertasi D: Bhs indonya promosi jg bkn sih? D: Kayaknya neuro ok, ngan lila euy V: Biar lebih murah jadi nebeng kamu yak D: Hahaha sama si aa atuh kesininya D: Tar urg yg numpang di tempat maneh (jadi bibi) D: Hahahaha V: Iya pengennya gitu sih tapi...haha D: Haha sabar V: Kumaha abdi kudu kumaha haha D: Santai heula [Vera dan Ditta ngegosipin kisah percintaan teman-teman semasa SMA. Demi privasi...

FINALLY. I KNOW, RIGHT? TOOK ME SUCH A LONG TIME.  YEAH, I ALSO WANT TO PUNCH MYSELF FOR BEING SUCH A BIG PROCRASTINATING LUMP. Tanggal 21 April 2014. Tepat 1 tahun 15 hari sejak memulai skripsi. Setelah melalui berbagai kejadian yang kalau diceritakan semua bisa jadi satu buku memoar sendiri, saya maju sidang juga. You know, some people said, "yang penting itu bukan lulus tepat waktu, tapi lulus di waktu yang tepat." Berhubung "tepat waktu" sudah lewat sekitar satu tahun yang lalu, saya berharap banget ini adalah waktu yang tepat, hahaha. D-1. My  ( often overreacting but lovely and magnificent) parents booked me a room in Hotel Puri Khatulistiwa Jatinangor. Katanya daripada saya stress, harus sidang pagi tapi lalu lintas Senin bikin darah tinggi. Hasilnya, jam 7 saya kucluk-kucluk datang ke kampus. Belum ada siapa-siapa. Gila, waktu kuliah saya tukang mepet waktu masuk, mana pernah merasakan udara kampus jam 7 pagi di hari-hari biasa (bukan k...

THANK YOU, GOOGLE You know that feeling, when you wake up on the morning of your birthday and you feel, "Nothing can go wrong today because IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, BABY"? I feel like that a lot today, hahaha. IT FEELS GOOD. HAHAHAHAHA. First of all, thank you for Bayern Muenchen for the 2-0 win against Arsenal earlier this morning. I'M SORRY ARSENAL, I STILL LOVE YOU BUT I LOVE BAYERN MORE. Okay. Next... Thank you for those who remember my birthday. I'm saving your messages under a file titled "MY PRECIOUSSSSS". I know that's kind of freaky but hey, WHATEVER, hahaha. Thank you for those who gave me birthday presents. Much appreciated though no one give me vacuum cleaner again this year . Also to my brother who gave me premium tea bag (no doubt he snatched it from the economic conference he attended, but it's the thought that counts :)), I don't know why he constantly give me tea bag nowadays... Maybe my face just screams for more c...

My dear Furry Ball, I hope you are now running in a bigger hamster wheel in heaven, eating a lot more delicious sunflower seeds, and...who knows, maybe you meet a handsome hamster-angel there too, no? I'm sorry if I and my brother didn't take care of you well enough, if our hobby was sneaking behind you while you were sleeping and giving you fright everytime. I'm sorry I was late in introducing you to the chinchilla sands, so you used it as a toilet instead.  I'm sorry I hadn't bought you the hamster ball. I'm sorry that I scold you when you nipped my fingers every time I was giving you a treat. I'm sorry that you didn't have a mate, and you couldn't give birth to hamster pups...I didn't know then that after you turned ten months old you became more territorial, and instead of mating you were fighting with your would-be mate to his death. My dear, golden red-eyed Syrian hamster...rest in peace.

Seperti yang pernah saya tulis dalam posting terdahulu , sekarang saya sedang rajin (?) mengikuti sebuah situs tantangan harian untuk meningkatkan well-being bernama Daily Challenge . Saya sedang aktif di jalur Finding Fulfillment dan inilah tantangan saya untuk hari ini: Share 3 things that are on your "bucket list." A bucket list is really a list of life goals you want to achieve/do before you 'kick the bucket'. Dengan  memiliki daftar apa saja yang ingin kita lakukan dan capai dalam hidup, maka mimpi-mimpi kita akan terasa lebih nyata. Ini bisa mendorong kita menuju petualangan dan pengalaman yang mungkin nggak kita kejar kalau kita tidak menuliskannya. And by talking about it to a friend or sharing it somewhere...well, hopefully those dreams will become more real. Jadi terpacu untuk benar-benar mencapainya karena, "gue udah koar-koar nih, masak semangat untuk mencapainya melempem?"   Mungkin bahkan salah satu teman kita punya item bucket lis...